What We Can Say About Now

This year has been absolutely batshit. 

I mean that feels like the single most obvious thing a person can type in May of 2020, and yet it is the one that thing I keep coming back to because man oh man has it been a challenging year for me so far. I want to whinge about it. I mean, I REALLY truly want to bitch and moan and throw a pity me party. Don’t you? Hasn’t just about every single one of us had something go seriously pear-shaped since February? Don’t you just want to sit around somewhere with a group of sympathetic friends and talk about how much it sucks for you personally?

If we throw this imaginary party, let’s do it right. There should be lots of alcohol and tremendously fattening snacks. Every other attendee will have sailed through this year so far with no loss, no grief, no challenge, no frustration. This perfect situation is one where we don’t have to keep our chin up or recognise that no matter how bad it was for me, for thee it might have been worse. We don’t have to be sensitive to the sadness and loss of others. This ideal imaginary bitch fest is one where we are each surrounded by an array of super emotionally healthy, happy, non-pandemic, fairy creatures who just listen to us, pat us gently with a there-there, and then offer more snacks, booze or advice without judgement.

In normal change curves if you’ve created a good network, you can get at least a variant of this. If you lose a family member or your husband gets cancer, friends and coworkers will step up in amazing ways. If one part of the country gets slammed by a natural disaster, the rest will step in with money and man-power and support. If your company restructures or your boyfriend is an asshole or your landlord ups the rent, you can vent on Facebook, grab beers with mates, go on a three day bender. And normally, you can take a stance which more or less says what comes around goes around, give when you’re strong and receive when you’re weak or vulnerable. Help others, receive help.

This just isn’t normal. 

I can not say this enough times to enough people. This isn’t normal. In so many ways, we need to look to new models of resiliency to cope. 

I have had the privilege since landing in New Zealand to conduct webinars for groups and individuals on methods to cope. I say a privilege because it takes a lot of trust to hand your team or yourself over to another in a truly insane time like this with the hope it will do some good but without any specific details on what might happen. From the beginning, it was clear to me that I was gaining as much from the experiences as any of the participants. There is something to be said for volunteerism as a way of getting out of yourself and your own head and putting yourself in a position to focus on the needs of others. It has been fascinating watching our small nation go through the change curve… actually go through it multiple times. The themes and emotions and challenges that arose as we first locked down were so different from those that surfaced as we moved into Level 3 and totally different again from those in Level 2. I took notes, because quite honestly, there are a whole series of blog posts to write about each phase. 

The theme for this week, however, is that it’s okay if you really want to whinge. If shit happened and you feel awful or you’re scared or worried about your future, you don’t have to be brave all the god damn time. Just because a good fraction of the country is somehow managing to attain a degree of normality and doesn’t want to hear about your struggle, doesn’t make that struggle less real. And just because another fraction is in a worse state than you are doesn’t mean you can’t complain about your own situation.

I’m trying to pick my moments carefully to jump up and down and stomp my feet. I try not to panic about not getting a job in this market until I’m literally unemployable, or losing my sanity in the basement as I read way way too much Twitter, or ballooning into a pudge monkey. I keep reminding myself that hot flashes are a sign of power and maturity and wisdom, so all you pre-menopausal or male folks can go suck it. Mostly, I just try to remember that it’s okay. This isn’t normal, and it isn’t my fault. 

It’s not yours either. 

"You don't have to be positive all the time. It's perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, sad, or anxious. Having feelings doesn't make you a 'negative' person. It makes you human." ~ Lori Deschene